My Advice for Life

It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
"Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test."
"Do the words 'complete pandemonium' strike terror in your heart?"
"I'm yet another resource-consuming kid in and overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you're old and weak."
"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."
"I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!"
"These are interesting times. We don't trust the government, we don't trust the legal system, we don't trust the media, and we don't trust each other! We've undermined all authority, and with it, the basis for replacing it! It's like a six-year-old's dream come true!"
Childhood is short, maturity is forever.
Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?
There's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is.
You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!
I think the surest sign that there is intelligent life out there in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little pratice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!
Reality continues to ruin my life.
Susie if you want to see your doll again, leave $100 in this envelope by the tree out front. Do not call the police you CANNOT trace us, you CANNOT find us. Sincerely, Calvin
Reality continues to ruin my life.
It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.
So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met?
As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.
I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.